Definition series: Remembering

memory and memories and more

In this definition series, I’m taking a grief-related word and giving it a bit of a ‘glow up’. This is borne from my frustration at how limited our language is around grief. While I can’t create new words, I can review and reflect on the few that exist already (and try and update their definitions where possible).

A ‘coffee and croissant’ rating is for pieces that are meatier than a nibble, but not as rich as a main. A soup starter perhaps? It’s a piece to prompt some gentle thinking or give a subtle griefy insight. ‘Sip and digest’ pieces are a bit more reflective. I’d say this is two parts ‘coffee and croissant’ and one part ‘sip and digest’. Generally, it is very digestible, although there are one or two more sincere parts…

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Remembering (someone)

‘Remembering’ is one of the most non-specific and misleading words in the grief ‘dictionary’. It makes me think of rote-learning and revision. About ‘oh I remember!’ or ‘do you remember when…?’. It makes me think about memory and forgetting. It makes me wonder how not to forget.

My Mum died at a time when most of my ‘remembering’ had only ever been active. The result of multi-coloured highlighters, flash cards and AQA past papers. Naturally (and somewhat unconsciously) I applied these same principles to ‘remembering’ Mum. Specific memories became the syllabus, and accuracy became the aim.

But then I got myself into a tangle. ‘Remembering Mum’ became an unsatisfying memory game. A random loop of highlights, chosen more out of convenience than anything else. I also faced a similar dilemma to our family dog Max whenever he found another tennis ball at the park. Despite his best efforts (and lots of intense deliberation), he would inevitably have to leave one behind.

I then tried to focus on more significant moments. Mum wisdoms and happy family memories…But it was a bit like when someone asks for your favourite song, or a book you really recommend, and your mind goes blank. I’d think about remembering Mum, and then remember nothing. Which made me feel like I was forgetting. Which made me want to remember... What to do?! Eat more fish oil!?

With the help of a dictionary definition from 1895, I’ve realised I’ve been thinking about it all wrong. What I was trying to do was recollect Mum. And while recollecting is remembering, remembering isn’t always recollecting (goodness!). What’s more, remembering doesn’t look like we think it might….

Sometimes it’s simply wearing Mum’s dressing gown (a really nice one from the White Company that feels like you’re wearing a big towel). Other times it’s seeing a turtleneck jumper that I like, and using the fact that Mum loved turtleneck jumpers as an excuse to buy it (silver linings). Or it’s pouring hot water on a tea bag as soon as the kettle finishes boiling (because Mum was really fussy about that). These small rememberings are the ‘just right’ size for daily life. Perfectly formed to weave their way in.

‘Just right’

In the first months after Mum died, I would have pooh poohed these things. How ridiculous to suggest that eating Mum’s favourite food was a way to remember her!? How could reading a book that Mum loved do anything to make this better!? But that’s because at this point, time hasn’t done much meddling. Life still sort of looks the same as when Mum was alive. She could slot right back in if she needed to.

It’s when life starts moving that grief goes up a gear. When you look around and everything has changed. Because the more everything changes, the more it can be like someone didn’t exist. Or rather, they exist only in your mind. This adds even more pressure onto the remembering (and gets you into more tangles). It’s at this point you need these little nods of acknowledgement. These small yet powerful ways to say you were here. That this dull ache I (impossibly) live with is not all in my head. Because the only reason I’m making my tea this way (in this very cosy dressing gown) is because of you.

So, I think we need a new definition. One that makes it clearer that remembering is not just about the fear of forgetting. That it’s more passive than active (and absolutely does not require exam grade completeness).

Updated definition of ‘remembering’: Anything you do (no matter how small) that connects you to someone who’s not here. Not limited to recalling memories, and doesn’t explicitly require memory. Best done when you’re not fixatedly thinking about it.

Synonyms: Talking, eating, wearing, thinking, making, dreaming, drinking, buying, reading, watching, smelling,  cooking, wondering…the list goes on.

Max’s deliberations would become even more intense if he came across a big stick he liked too….